What Not To Do In Relationships

I like to tell you nice things to do, because, they’re easier to follow and frankly, usually more productive. But…sometimes there are certain behaviors that we continuously execute that kind of ruin all of the good stuff. Like, in relationships. Actually, ESPECIALLY in relationships.

These following behaviors can be hard to break – But don’t freak–these behaviors do not have to be permanent! With some awareness and determination, you can kick them for good. So, pay attention, because you kind of need to stop doing the four following things. Now.

Or else we will make you.

Here is what NOT to do in a relationship!

1. DO NOT MIND READ

Unless you’re a bona fide psychic, you cannot mind read. And neither can he. So don’t a) try it, or b) expect it. Communication is what keeps relationships healthy, strong, and LONG. Your partner cannot read your mind, and therefore you will have to thoroughly explain things to them on a daily basis. Things like how you feel, things you expect, what you hope for, and how you would like things to be done. Because they don’t know. They only know when you tell them. And then they know.

And same for you! You can’t assume you know everything about your partner. People aren’t static. We shift from moods and states of emotion and we change opinions all the time. Or at least I do. So use your language skills and quit reading minds. It will eliminate way more fights, and make it all crystal clear.

 

2. DO NOT PLAY HOT POTATO WITH YOUR FEELINGS

“You’re making me feel like this!”

No no no no no.

You can’t throw your feelings at someone else and make them take responsibility. That’s not how this goes. You feel a certain way, because that’ s how you feel. Your feelings are not debatable. They aren’t facts that you can rip apart and analyze from different angles. They’re feelings. And the only one who can label them, share them, or explain them, is you.

So…that means your partner can’t take responsibility. Sorry. Instead, you can inform of them why you feel a certain way. Something like…

“I feel CRAPPY when you say CRAPPY THINGS.”

Well, maybe not exactly like that. But you get the point. Just don’t be a drama queen, and you’ll be fine.

 

3. DO NOT AIM TO WIN

If you win a fight, then the relationship loses. And believe us, nooooooobody wins if the relationship doesn’t win.

When a fight occurs, and you come out with guns blazing, ready to explain why you are completely right and he is absolutely wrong, check yo’self. And do it quick. Really, what are you going to gain from this? Credibility? If that? And why would you even need that, if the person you are trying to prove yourself to, is the one person you don’t have to prove yourself to?

The moment we aim to let the relationship as a whole win, is the second the relationship becomes a healthy one. Put the swords down, and work together to make sure you both end up on common ground. Talk it out. Yes, you can absolutely explain yourself, but they get that chance, too. You two have got to make sure that you both feel heard and validated, and that way, the relationship can shine through.

We know, some of you will be all like “But I don’t wanna be a loserrrrrrrrr! Wah.”

It’s ok. Being a loser is the best thing you can do for your relationship. Perk up!

 

4. DO NOT BOTTLE UP FEELINGS

Awful awful awful awful bad bad bad bad.

We know how it starts. Something bothers you, but you don’t want to be “that girl“…so you let it slide. And then something else happens, but you can’t really say anything, because you didn’t say anything about the first thing, so he didn’t really know how you were feeling anyway. Ugh. So you tuck it away. Then a few more little things happen, but they’re too small to really even mention, so those get tossed to the side, too.

And then it happens.

They don’t turn the air conditioning off before you leave the house. Oh heyyyyy electric bill!
She says a sarcastic comment that could easily be seen as humor…but it’s not really funny. You rude human.
He forgets to do that favor he promised you, because, well, he was super busy.

BYE BYE SANITY.

Feelings start gushing out of you. They can’t stop! They WON’T stop! OH MY WORD I CANNOT FIGURE OUT HOW TO CAP THIS EMOTIONAL WELL. STAHHHPPPPP!!!! Well…they can’t. Not now. Not until every feeling is completely out in the open and nothing else is bottled up. And now we have a big fat fight on our hands and everything is messy and ew.

Don’t bottle up your feelings. Let go of your fear of being “that girl.” Nags are called nags because they aren’t nice about communicating their feelings–not because they share them. Don’t be afraid to let people know how you feel in a kind fashion. You’re a nice person. You don’t want to complain all the time. But you also can’t be a door mat.

 

Wherever you are in the world, have a lovely day ❤

A, x (1)

Being With Someone Who Has Anxiety

Anxiety is hard – one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with.

I know it doesn’t define who I am, but it makes me question everything in my life.

Being with someone who has anxiety wouldn’t be easy, but its also good for the other party to know a few things before they step into something serious w/ someone who has anxiety.

Below are some pointers I think are great for your partner to know if you are dealing with anxiety.

  • Patience – This is the number one attribute that is needed to maintain a relationship with someone who suffers from anxiety.  If you do not have patience, do not entertain the idea of entering the relationship.  I can not stress enough that this is the number one thing that is needed in order to help and be understanding of what your partner is going through.  There are going to be times where you will feel frustrated and just not understand.  This is where patience is key.
  • Focus – It is so important that you focus on who your partner is outside of their anxiety.  They are not just their anxiety.  There is a whole person there to be loved, and the anxiety, even if it is crippling, is still just a small piece of who they are. Always remember that you fell in love with them for a reason and it’s most likely because they are pretty awesome.
  • Check Up on Them – This is something so simple and really shows that you are there for them.  Whether it is once, twice or several times during the day, if you are away from them, see how they are doing.  Shoot them a quick text or if you can, make a quick phone call.  Sometimes all it takes is a quick, “How are you feeling?”.
  • Do Not Tell Them to Relax – This is quite possibly the worst thing you can tell your partner when they are having an anxiety attack.  It does not help, in fact it usually tends to make things worse.  They do not have complete control over what their mind and body is doing.  Think about it, telling someone who is having an anxiety attack to relax is like telling an epileptic to stop having a seizure.
  • Do Not Surprise Them – I am not talking about small surprises. As a matter of fact small surprises such as gifts or even the tiniest gestures on bad days can make a world of difference.  When I say do not surprise them, that means do not spring last minute plans on them.  Most people with anxiety need to prepare themselves ahead of time for what they will be doing.  Springing surprise plans or even changing plans last minute can, and probably will, send your partner into an anxiety attack.
  • Learn Your Partners Triggers – Talk to your partner and ask them what their triggers are.  Most people with anxiety can give you a list of things that send them reeling.  Sometimes though, they have triggers that they do not even realize. This will take some time but watch and observe the things that trigger your partners anxiety attacks.  Using this knowledge, learn to read a situation before you bring them into it.
  • Do Not Judge Them – Never judge your partner for something they can not control. People with anxiety tend to have anxiety attacks at just the thought of people judging them.  Their partner should be the one person who never will.
  • Stay Calm – If your partner is having an anxiety attack, stay calm.  They need you as their rock.  The best thing a partner can do is ask this simple question, “What can I do?”. Odds are your partner will tell you exactly what they need.  It may be space, it may be a certain thing, it may be as simple as you holding them, but do not assume. Those four words during an attack are the best thing you can do.
  • Start Breaking Walls – This is not something that is easy to do.  It may take time and if you don’t try to talk about it, your partner may never say anything.  Get your partner to open up to you about their anxiety and drop their “Everything is fine.” attitude.  You know everything is not fine so start kicking those walls down.
  • Do Not Force – Do not force your partner to do anything they physically do not want to do.   Pushing your partner into a situation that you know makes them uncomfortable and will most likely send them into an anxiety attack is not a way to get them better.  Yes, there are therapies that do that but it is handled differently and by professionals.  Forcing them does not fix the problem.
  • Do Not “Rescue” Them – Someone with anxiety is not looking to be “rescued” or have someone “fix” them.  Just like everyone else, they are looking for companionship and love.  They need to figure out what works best for them in getting the help they need.  Suggestions are always welcomed though.  Most importantly they just want someone to have their back and hold their hand through the rough times.
  • Research – The world is at your fingertips.  Get on the internet and do some research.  Learn more on your own about being in a relationship with someone with anxiety and put your knowledge to work.  Your partner will think you are amazing. This not only shows how much you really care but your partner will be amazed at how you seem to know just how to handle things.
  • Do Not Lose Yourself – Do not forget who you are.  Make sure you still take the time to go out and do the things that you love to do, even if it means without your partner.  Just because they may not be comfortable doing something you want to do, doesn’t mean you should put your life on hold and not do it.  Your partner will not be upset, they want you to be happy as well.  If you lose yourself, you will start to harbor resentment towards your partner.
  • Know They Appreciate You – They may have a hard time showing it but they appreciate you in the way they trust you.  It is hard for people with anxiety to trust people, so if your partner trusts you with everything about their anxiety, you better believe they love and appreciate you.

I hope the above has helped you 🙂

Wherever you are in the world, have a lovely day ❤

A, x (1)

Anxiety in Relationships

Anxiety tells you that something is inherently wrong with you daily.

How can you expect anyone else to understand you if I don’t even understand yourself? Society throws around the term “anxiety” as if it’s something we all share and must all learn how to overcome. What most people are generally dealing with is stress, not anxiety. Stress creeps into your life as a result of looming deadlines, problems that need addressed, and the constant state of busyness we all live in today. Stress usually ends once those stressors are addressed and handled. Anxiety is a constant state of worry that convinces you everything is going wrong. It overthinks, over questions, and over analyzes to the point that no productivity can be achieved.

When you have generalized anxiety, you wake up every day fighting a battle that people without anxiety will never understand. Some days are easier than others. It is especially exhausting in close relationships, especially for loved ones who don’t struggle with anxiety themselves. They become more like therapists than friends and your anxiety will tell you that they love you less because of it. In romantic relationships, the anxiety monster will always be ready to convince you that everything is going terrible.

Here are five lies anxiety will tell you about your relationship:

1. Anxiety tells you the entire relationship is one-sided. If you partner doesn’t reassure you regularly, you become convinced that they don’t care about you or the relationship at all. Most of the time, you are able to recognize that these thoughts must not be true. You’ll try to reassure yourself that your partner would not be dating you if they did not care about you deeply. Despite your best efforts, the racing thoughts continue.

2. Anxiety tells you that your partner isn’t interested in your life. It is normal for relationships to ebb and flow. For people with anxiety, the ebbs become debilitating. You start to question every text message, the frequency of phone calls, how many words of affection your partner is using or not using, etc. It is exhausting for you, so you know it must be exhausting for your partner. This will cause you more anxiety.

3. Anxiety tells you that you will never be deserving of happiness. In fact, when you feel overwhelming happiness in a relationship, you start bracing yourself for the next fight. You’ll start picking apart every conversation convinced that there must be some reason your partner is working so hard to appear happy. In reality, your partner has told you multiple times that you need to recognize it’s okay to be happy. The universe is not actually working against you.

4. Anxiety tells you that you will never find true love. Even if you’re in a healthy, happy relationship, anxiety tells you that it will most certainly end. It tells you that when it does end, it will definitely be all your fault and that you will be alone forever. You may even have pity parties for yourself thinking about the lifetime of loneliness definitely waiting ahead in your future.

5. Anxiety tells you the reason your  relationship will fail because of your anxiety. A loving partner will work to understand the source of your anxieties in relationships. If you are with someone who truly supports you, they will be patient with you as you work towards a secure bond with them. If not, you are better off if they leave. Some people are not equipped to deal with issues other than their own. If you are in a relationship with an unsupportive partner, while also dealing with anxiety, you have a recipe for disaster. Just remember, your anxiety does not define you. No matter how many lies anxiety tries to tell you, know that you are always deserving of love and happiness.

Wherever you are in the world, have a lovely day ❤

A, x (1)

Stay In Love Forever

The below are certain things that I have been thinking in regards to loving my partner & what I can do to build to connection & bond.

The below is what I have come up with 🙂

  • Be loving: Start & end the day w/ a hug & a kiss.
  • Show gratitude: Take one another for what you each do on a daily basis.
  • Don’t take their emotions on: Acknowledge that they are feeling a certain way, not you.
  • Encourage one another: When your partner is negative, try stay the positive one for them (When they are the fire, attempt to try & be the water)
  • Don’t one-up one anohter: One upping matches are not productive
  • Stop beating up on your body: They love you & the way you look, don’t speak so badly about yourself.
  • Men, tell us we’re beautiful: and smart, and awesome, and inspiring – a compliment can go a very long way.
  • Make time for one another: Whether it’s a date night or couch time at home.
  • Be patient with one another: There has to be room to be human, make mistakes & grow.
  • R-E-S-P-E-C-T: When you love one another & when you respect one another… Everything falls into place.

A, x (1)