I Am Insecure

Hello loves, ❤

There are days when I refuse to leave the house because I am feeling insecure about the pimple on my cheek or the extra flab on my waist or the way my hair falls across my face. Days when I cannot stomach the thought of being seen in public, even during a quick trip to the grocery store, because there is the smallest possibility of running into someone I know.

Before leaving the bubble of my bedroom, I need a long time to get ready. That is why I never accept last minute plans. I need to know when we are leaving in advance so that I have time to shower and apply make-up and style my hair and psych myself up for socializing. I cannot just throw on a sweatshirt and leave the house the second a friend invites me out. I don’t have that kind of confidence.

I shake my head after receiving compliments because I only believe the mean things that are said about me. I check the scale constantly and look in the mirror nonstop, but never like what I see.

There are some rare occasions when I actually think I look decent and decide to take a picture, but then end up making myself miserable because I have trouble taking a good shot. I will snap twenty pictures, fifty pictures, one hundred pictures, and then delete all of them at once because I cannot find even one that I consider tolerable.

I have had breakdowns inside of dressing rooms when I failed to find an outfit that looked good on me. I have cried while staring into the mirror more times than I can count.

Lately, my insecurity has been getting in the way of living a fulfilling life. I have canceled plans because I didn’t want anyone to see me looking like such a mess. I have remained quiet in groups because I wanted to blend into the background. I have questioned every interaction, because whenever someone treats me nicely, I assume they must be playing some kind of prank on me since I am not worthy of their attention.

I know my mindset is screwed up. I want to gain confidence, but it’s difficult for me to walk into a room and hold my head high. I want to call myself beautiful, but I can’t stop myself from using ‘ugly‘ instead. I want to love myself, but I keep coming up with more and more reasons to hate myself.

Wherever you are in the world, have a lovely day ❤

DYH Signature

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36 Comments

  1. Heya! I’m at work browsing your blog from
    my new iphone! Just wanted to say I love reading through your blog
    and look forward to all your posts! Keep up the fantastic work!

    Like

  2. Me and God love you for who you are, Lovely A!
    What I really loved about this post was even in your despair, you still make sure to say,
    “Wherever you are in the world, have a lovely day ❤”
    If you could see how beautiful your heart is, you would see how stunning you truly are!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. It is a process. One day some human is going to come along and help you see for yourself just how amazing you are. Mine was the mother of my beloved work child. Hang in there. Much love.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. One of the biggest game changers for me, as far as loving myself as I am, was giving birth to a child who looks A LOT like me. In fact, when they did the 3-D ultrasound and I saw her tiny face (looking so much like mine) I began to look at myself with the same love I knew I’d see her with. I started that very minute deconstructing everything negative I’d heard about my body–from myself and other people–and I set about with radical acceptance. Maybe if you can see the child that still is in you that needs encouragement & positivity–if you only use the voice with yourself that you would use with a child you love–it give you the radical shift in perspective you need. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I was at a group called the Self Love Club last and the subject was self compassion. I picked up a good tip there, to put a post it with ‘you are looking at a friend’ on the mirror. Thank you for sharing your raw feelings with such honesty, sending you love xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I can relate to this so much. I am so insecure about random little things that no one else notices but they are so big in my mind. The last few months I have gained a lot of confidence just by writing and connecting with others on this platform. We may write about glamour and glitz but that doesn’t mean we always feel it which many people don’t realize. I think this was a very brave and amazing post to write!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. You are not alone! I think different events get us to feel low, some bounce back while others need some extra time. After a heartbreak at a young age, I wanted nothing to do with myself and hated everything about me, wanted to hurt others the way I hurt. My body image today is my biggest battle, I got married at a size 2 and after 6 pregnancies I am far from that! There’s rolls in places, there’s stretch marks in areas – you get it! As much I was want to crawl in my bed and cry, I remember how I got to this place. I carried six babies, more than I could have ever imagined, I carried multiple high risk pregnancies and have gone through life changes surgeries. So, when my mind what’s to go to a negative place and begin self hate, I try to turn it into a positive as soon as I can! I think of ALL the things my body has gone through that no one else has.

    I am far more important than my body, my image, the way my hair looks my stomach, my rolls, my stretch marks, etc.

    Be you because there’s no quite like you. 😊

    Liked by 3 people

  8. It’s a struggle for me to. I try to recognize that the negative language I use doesn’t help me live the way that I wanted to… but today “dumb” and “stupid” felt accurate and I sort of failed to remain positive at all… but, tomorrow is another day, even if today was filled with insecurity for both you and I.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. The first time I ever let someone see that I wasn’t put together, I brought my groceries to my therapist’s office and asked to put the cold food in the fridge during our session. I didn’t intend it, it was out of unplanned necessity, and I was mortified. Instead of judging me she applauded me for showing up with my groceries, and that was a game-changer for me. Vulnerability takes practice, and the first step is wanting it. ❤

    Liked by 4 people

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