Hello loves ❤

I’ve struggled with anxiety for the last 3-4 years.

It has become apart of me and will remain that way. There are days where I wish it would leave me in peace. There are nights when it screams at me, intensifying my fears and questions. There are days where I am plagued by it, where I can do nothing but wait it out. But there are also days where I am grateful for it.

I’m not saying anxiety is beautiful. It’s not. I know first hand. It’s painful and scary and it lies to you all the time. Anxiety is a powerful mental illness. And just like depression, it can end up in tragedy.

Millions of people have anxiety. And I know everyone suffers from it in different ways. Everyone has different coping mechanisms. Everyone has their own story. And I know many of you will disagree with me that anxiety can sometimes bring people closer together. But, this is MY experience. This is my story. This is not a generalization on the entire population of my peers that suffer from anxiety.

I’m not here to tell you what YOUR anxiety feels like or looks like. I’m here to talk about MY anxiety in hopes to start a conversation about anxiety and to enforce the notion that EVERYONE is different and EVERY kind of anxiety disorder manifests in different ways.

I have anxiety. But I’m still a person. I’m still worthy of love, just like anybody else. Anybody with any type of mental disorders are lovable and should believe that. Love should never be discriminatory So why should anyone let their mental disorder get in the way of finding love?

For me, my anxiety can be crippling. But on the other hand, it makes me incredible empathetic to anyone and their own kind of suffering. My anxiety makes me think more about people I care about and the individuals I love. It has made me realize that as humans, we all suffer, but we are all still worthy of big and magical love.

I’m a woman with an anxiety disorder. I’ve had my fair share of panic attacks. I’ve had ER visits and mental health days off. I’ve had my body physically become ill from the swirling and whirling of anxious questions and thoughts in my head.

My anxiety is terrible and tiring. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, but it doesn’t define how I see myself and how I picture my future.

My anxiety is not beautiful, and it never will be, but it makes me listen. It makes me feel even more strongly when I have thoughts, when I’m in love, and when I’m falling out of it. My anxious thoughts make me suffer, but it makes me a better person. Why? It makes me aware that I am human. It makes me aware that everyone is flawed and everyone has parts of themselves that they hate, but they still deserve to find their soulmate. Everyone does!

When I get married, I will listen carefully to my partner. I will communicate effectively, because my anxiety has taught me that lack of communication makes me snowball into a panic.

When I get married, I will be aware that just as I suffer, my partner suffers too. And even if it’s with different disorder or different problems, their pain is still valid.

When I get married, I will make sure my partner feels cared for, and loved, despite their imperfections.

When I get married, I will make my partner the happiest man alive. Why? I will make sure he will never feel like he has to hide from me, just as I will never hide my pain from him. I will never judge his anxieties or anything that he tells himself late at night. I will make sure he knows that he is loved, regardless of what he thinks about himself.

For me, I realize that anxiety is really hard. And for my fellow people around the world who suffer from it too, I wish I could take it all away. But as it plagues me, is also makes me a better person. A better human being. One that is more caring. One that is more sensitive towards other people. One that is more understanding. One that listens more clearly.

I don’t want to always think of my anxiety as something that makes me more ugly or more imperfect. Sometimes, I want to believe that it makes me stronger. That it makes me more brave.

And when I do marry, I know one thing is for sure. I will not let my anxiety ruin that love. I will let it be. I will nurture myself just as I will nurture my significant other. And I will not judge his mental illnesses or ugly parts in his heart.

I will love him, whole heartedly. And he will love me, my anxiety, and everything that makes me, me.

Wherever you are in the world, have a lovely day ❤

DYH Signature

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32 Comments

  1. I respect what you say 100% communication in a marriage is key. I’ve been married to my husband for almost 11 years and for all of those years I’ve suffered from depression and anxiety. He has always been my rock and my hero in that he fell in love with me and my diseases. He knows it doesn’t make me who I am, it doesn’t effect the person I’m meant to be it is just an obstacle that arises from time to time. He knows how to help me cope because I explained it to him in the beginning. I think if you’re honest from the start then you will find a husband who will love you and support you in your struggles ❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I simply love how you own it! Very good read! I suffer from anxiety amongst several other horrible things. I choose to embrace what used to frustrate me about them though these days. They themselves, the illnesses are not beautiful but what becomes of the time I utilize while I embrace them is!

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  3. The most important thing I have learnt from my marriage and anxiety is to communicate as my anxiety gives out a really uncomfortable vibe to the whole house. Quite often when I let him know how i’m feeling it’s actually the chat that can really help calm me down and then he can help make me feel a little more at ease.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I feel similar to you in that my anxiety has been crippling to the point where I wouldn’t leave my house and I hate that BUT it has also made me so empathetic and made me genuinely care how people are. Anxiety can feel like a prison sometimes but I can’t deny it’s taught me things…be empathetic, go at your own pace, try not to judge what you don’t know, appreciate the small things. I can rant about how much I hate it for hours but it would probably do me a lot better to focus on the good it’s done me. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts in this post.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I do think you have a point, anxiety helps us understand others more in some ways, but it has not made me stronger, the whole thing of anxiety is it makes you weaker or it would not be anxiety. It is natural to feel some apprehension yes, but that is not the same as anxiety which I am sure you know. I have managed to ruined whole relationships due to my anxiety issues. When your anxiety partly comes in the form of OCD there is no good side about it as my rituals and routines do not help me become more aware of other people they make me selfish and internalised. Yes some forms of my anxiety do help me be more empathetic, but I would never say it made me stronger, but that is just how it affects me. I am glad you have found a way to le the anxiety help you.

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