Let’s Build Trust

Jealousy can hit us out of nowhere.  Life can feel great and then suddenly – it’s not so great.  That’s because jealousy is about so much more than just wanting what someone else has.  Proverbs 14:30 says “jealousy makes the bones rot“.  It is a deep – often secret – emotion that destroys not only relationships but ourselves in the process.

ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE TRUST.

Very much. I think love is the single most incredible feeling in the entire world. But it doesn’t have a shot at lasting without trust. Not. A. Shot.

I also value trust because I don’t think it comes very easily. Love is impulsive. It’s irrational and illogical and uncontrollable. We don’t teach ourselves to fall in love. We don’t force it, either. It just happens. Anybody can fall in love. But not everybody can trust.

Trust takes work. It takes dedication. It takes maturity. And it takes a lot of self-development. It’s the blue ribbon in a sea of participation certificates. So it’s no wonder that those of us who haven’t reached the pinnacle of trust desperately want to conquer it.

 

  1. LET GO OF THE SMALL THINGS

If you don’t trust someone, you probably pick at all of the small things. Or, is it that if you pick at all of the small things, you inherently lose trust? Honestly, who cares. Neither is good.

Small things are the bane of a healthy relationship’s existence. There is absolutely no reason to focus your hard earned energy on something insignificant in a relationship. The key however is, what’s supposed to be labelled an insignificant ‘small thing,’ or an important ‘small thing’?

Values. It’s all in the values.

If your significant other does something that violates a value of yours – that’s not a small thing. And *this* is exactly how the small things compile into one, large, scary, monster that explodes all over your pretty relationship. They were NEVER small things. They just didn’t get the attention they deserved.

However, for the other small things, the things that might bother you but don’t necessarily violate a value of yours – let it go. Trust that your partner has good intentions. Trust that your partner didn’t mean a thing by it. Trust that your partner has your back. Trust that your partner slipped up. Whatever it is, trust that you don’t have to call out every small thing in order to have a great relationship. Build the trust, and let it go.

 

  1. FOCUS ON THE FACTS

Trust is all about perception. If we perceive that someone loves us, then we trust that they love us. It’s as simple as that. So use all of the facts you perceive to be true in your life to support building trust in your life.

 

It sounds complicated, but it’s not.

Here are some common facts in relationships:

  1. You are in a monogamous relationship
  2. Your partner is a good person
  3. You mean a great deal to them
  4. They do nice things for you
  5. They like spending time with you

Those are ALL amazing facts. Now, there might be some other not so amazing facts in your corner as well. Things like

  1. Your partner doesn’t always have the right thing to say at the right moment
  2. They have bad days because of work or other life stressors
  3. Sometimes when they get busy, they don’t text as often
  4. Their eyes aren’t always on you
  5. They don’t say ‘I love you’ ALL the time.

You can choose to focus on the first five facts, or you can choose to focus on the latter five facts. Totally up to you. But one of them is going to build trust, and the other isn’t. And I am going to assume that you like this person and want to be a in relationship with this person and think they are deserving of your love – hence, you know, the relationship. So give positivity a shot. The more beneficial factors you perceive, the more trust you will build. Positive facts will always be your greatest relationship asset.

 

  1. ALWAYS BE HONEST

Always. Always. Always.

You can’t have trust in someone else if you aren’t even being honest with yourself. If you are “putting on a show” for someone else – that is a huge red flag. More than likely you feel like you aren’t good enough in your natural state, or that your partner is probably faking things for you, too.

Ouch.

This is where the insecurity, suspicious thoughts, and paranoia comes from. This is where trust goes to die. And in order to resurrect it, you have to be honest.

When your partner violates one of your values, speak up. If they piss you off, say something. If they do something absolutely incredible and you want to shower them with love, kiss them! Don’t hold yourself back. Be unapologetically you. Because if you can be your most vulnerable, your most authentic, and your most uninhibited version of yourself, you will ignite that in your partner as well. And just like that, trust will blossom all over the damn place. Yay!

 

  1. SET BOUNDARIES

Each relationship has their own rules and that’s great as long as it’s agreed upon. But it’s imperative to dig deep in order to figure out your boundaries. And then you have to share them. This is a collaborative experience – be sure to ask about your partner’s boundaries and make a real solid effort to respect them every inch of the way.

 

  1. RELINQUISH CONTROL

Not as easy as it sounds. But we gotta try.

In order to trust, you have to let go. You have to give your partner enough credit not to micromanage, remind, belittle, or question. You just have to trust that they value you as a friend, as a partner, and as a person.

So you have to trust that they will see cute humans around and not act on anything. You have to trust that they are respecting you no matter how far away they might be at certain times. You have to trust that they always have your back, no matter how high the cards are stacked up against you.

Anything short of this isn’t trust. It’s conditional. And it’s not a way to sustain a relationship.

You can still share control of the relationship with your partner (along with life circumstance), but you cannot control your partner. And in trying to do so, you will only make yourself miserable. Control’s side effects shows up in nasty panic attacks, self sabotage, paranoia, insecurity, jealously, and anger. It’s not pretty. And you know what I’m talking about, because we have all felt it at some point or another.

Don’t do this to yourself. Let go of control. Because the less you try to control, the more you will rely on trust.

 

You will never be happier, healthier, or more secure once you cultivate this state of mind.

A, x (1)

It’s Time To Feel Less Insecure

Insecurities is a very big thing to me… And, I’ll never know why. I never feel good enough & maybe this is because I am not happy w/ myself.

I don’t even remember the last time I was not insecure… (which is a sad feeling)

Today, some really great points were addressed w/ me + I personally think that these will really help me w/ the insecurities that I have.

Changing my train of thought is hard, (it’s not an easy task) HOWEVER, it’s never too late to start.

Working on myself is a very big thing that I am working on at the moment & would love to share these w/ you.

Below are 6 ways to feel less insecure w/ your relationship w/ your partner.

  1. Let go of the past.

Honestly, you can’t move forward with your current partner if you’re still living in the past. If you’ve had your heart broken in a previous relationship and you keep assuming your current partner will act like your previous partner(s), you have to stop. You need to find a way to let it go. You can’t carry around that baggage because it’s way too heavy.

Also, what your partner has experienced in his past shouldn’t be bought up (bc thats in the past for a reason). None of these things should be bought to the table bc this has happened before the two of you got into a relationship.

When you meet someone you are starting a clean slate – this slate is for only you + your partner, no one else. So dispose those ugly thoughts about what if, or what about before, or you did this, or you did that – it will just cause headache, complications + arguments.

Everyone is different, do not compare, do not compare your partner to people you know of, or stories you’ve heard of certain people, or even friends that have been hurt from their bfs bc of X, Y, Z. Comparing isn’t cool so you’ve got to find a way to separate the relationships in your mind and not jump to conclusions because of what has happened to you or people you know of in the past.

Let it go…

 

  1. Realize what is real & what’s imaginary.

Sometimes our brains play tricks on us. Just because you think something, that doesn’t mean it’s true. We tend to think the worst in situations when we’re feeling insecure.

When feeling insecure and/or jealous – we tend to make accusations + assumptions to the ones we love.

If you find yourself doing this, don’t get worked up. Just take a step back and breathe. Ask yourself if there’s any proof to what you’re thinking or if it’s just your insecurity feeding your mind these thoughts. And remember to always give your man (or woman) the benefit of the doubt.

Give them a chance to explain before you get upset over nothing.

 

  1. Let go of your need for control.

A lot of times, overcoming insecurity also means you need to overcome your need of control. Having certain expectations that your relationship should be or needs to be a certain way can cause problems. When you’re constantly asking for reassurance that yes, your partner loves you or no, there’s nothing going on behind your back, your partner feels this way or that way, etc. – it can put a major strain on things.

Uncertainty is a normal part of life. You can’t always be certain of everything. Trying to control things is just going to spin things further out of your control.

All of your worries are probably not realistic anyway. Sometimes our heads just play tricks on us.

 

  1. Learn to love yourself.

Do you have a fear of rejection, abandonment, or loneliness? An overall sense that maybe you’re not good enough and you’re just waiting for your partner to leave you? If so, then maybe your problem is with yourself and not your partner.

When people don’t think highly of themselves, they generally seek approval from other people. And when they enter relationships, they sort of become dependent on their partner for this approval. They start feeling insecure, fearful that their partner will leave them and that they won’t be able to live happily without this person.

If this sounds like you, you should start focusing on your self-esteem and confidence. Learn how to love yourself so that your partner can love you like you deserve to be loved. You can’t let all of your happiness rest in someone else’s hands – that’s no way to live life.

You’re an individual and you’ve got to love yourself first.

 

  1. Learn to be happy in the moment.

If you’re constantly feeling insecure and second-guessing everything, your relationship will start to feel strained and full of tension. If you’re feeling the nagging feeling of insecurity, try to distract yourself and find a reason to be happy.

Plan a fun activity for you and your partner to do together. Pick something that you’ll both enjoy to help bring some spark back into your relationship. Enjoy each other’s company and make memories together.

This is a great way to deal with insecurity because it takes your mind off of the negative and helps the both of you bond and grow closer. This could, in turn, help you see that you have nothing to worry about and make you more happy with your relationship.

Time to plan an outing..

 

  1. Remember to communicate!

First of all, if you’re feeling insecure with your partner, then you obviously care about them very much and you can’t stand the thought of losing them. Keeping that in mind, communication is the key to any successful relationship.

Keeping thoughts bottled up is a good way to push your partner away & you really don’t want that. If something is bothering you, you have got to talk about it.

Be direct and let them know “Hey, this is making me feel insecure and I just want to know if there’s any reason to feel insecure about it.” If you’re feeling insecure for no reason, they’ll let you know. If they care about you, they’ll comfort you and help you overcome the feeling. But you’ve gotta try to believe them when they tell you that you that you have no reason to feel that way.

Communication is KEY!

A, x (1)

Reduce Stress + Breathe

Sometimes our lives get so busy + cluttered & we feel stressed… very very stressed.

Sometimes small things seem as though they are 32875 times bigger than what they are.

Sometimes we need to just STOP & take a step back & try some of the below coping strategies.

Small changes in your day can truly made you feel better both mentally & physically.

Quietly Begin the Day with Yourself: Spending just 5-10 minutes in the morning in silence can help establish the tone for the rest of the day.
Set Good Intentions: Take a few moments at the start of each day to establish good thoughts and intentions for yourself and perhaps also for others.
Eat Mindfully: Take notice while eating a daily meal or snack. What does the food actually look like, smell like, feel like, taste like?
Take Three Deep Breaths: Taking three slow deep breaths in and three deep exhalation breaths out as many times as needed throughout your day can help manage feelings of anxiety or stress.
Stay Hydrated: Staying hydrated with water and herbal teas is a very small kind of act towards yourself and of course towards your health.
Stretch: Many of us sit for so long throughout the day and experience tension or tightness in the muscles, especially in the neck or back.
Set Realistic and Manageable Expectations: We may feel overwhelmed from time to time and often have numerous tasks and responsibilities at hand.
Drive Mindfully: Driving is often an activity that we do while in ‘auto-pilot mode’.
Transition Back. Once you return home from your work-mode to that of home, it is important to spend some time physically and emotionally transitioning back.
What Went Right During the Day? Finally, spending some time before you fall asleep thinking of any 3 things that went right for you during the day or that you feel grateful for, is a great way to conclude the day.

A, x (1)