Ahh, this is going to be hard to write – it’s going to be hard to admit this on my website BUT hey! I created this website as a place to come to find happiness, find ways to calm the mind & share my journey through life.
So here I go…
I have anxiety!
Wow, that was harder to write than I thought!
It does not define me, it is just a part of me – It is ‘just visiting’ & will leave shortly.
I have had anxiety for approx 3 years, and it has been quite the journey to be honest. Its been very hard to deal w/ & some days I just want to give up bc I can’t take it anymore.
I was always ashamed to say I had anxiety & would hide behind a smile – I didn’t want anyone knowing & judging me for a ‘mental illness’ – Mental illness’ in my eyes were frowned upon, you must be mental if you have a mental illness, right? … That’s what I thought anyway.
I was bed ridden for a very long time, my mother would have to do my grocery shopping & I got anxious being out of my room in the kitchen let alone the backyard in the sun! (The thought of going to a shopping center would make me extremely anxious & I would avoid it at all costs) I never wanted to be around people, I would get really claustrophobic & freak out – I couldn’t go on public transport bc I wasn’t in control of the piece of machinery which lead me to being anxious & my brain always thought they went too fast. I stopped going in elevators bc of the physical tummy feeling it gives you etc. I had already developed health anxiety which than social anxiety creeped upon me too.
This anxiety formed from being admitted to hospital about 3 years ago due to feeling very lethargic, dizzy & lost a tonne of weight in one big hit. Being in hospital for 2 weeks were the worst two weeks of my life – little did I know that they would change my life forever.
The doctors couldn’t find what was wrong, but all I kept hearing was these words: brain hamerage, brain tumor, fluid on the brain, stroke, heart attack, heart failure, lung cancer, stomach cancer. I was poked w/ needles twice a day & I had a lumbar puncture to my back (worst experience evvvvvvvvver – nothing has ever felt that painful in my whole entire life) hearing all these words, created a fear of the unknown, especially bc no one knew what was going on – every single test was coming back fine.
When I was discharged from hospital, that’s when my whole life changed, for better or worse, I will never know but I am trying to look at the positive out of it.
Every time I had a headache, I thought all those words the doctor was saying ie brain tumor, stroke etc. Or every time I had chest pain, I thought I was having a heart attack. It sounds silly but I have health anxiety – at first this was hard for me to accept, I didn’t know what was wrong w/ me , I didn’t know I was feeling this way, I didn’t know how to make it stop – I just constantly felt like I was dying.
This has been a very hard thing to overcome & I am by no means saying that I am cured but I am on the road to recovery. It’s hard to share these things w/ someone who would think ‘she’s crazy – what’s wrong w/ her’ But, this is the fear I have – & I have learnt to live w/ it. I always think I am dying, every day, every single day! Whether its from headache, a sore tummy, chest pain, tingling in my fingers, sore eyes, sore toe – You name it & I will think I am dying.
I constantly WEBMD things & I always think I have cancer, all my symptoms show cancer – so I freak out thinking I have cancer.
It has been a hard journey bc there isn’t a thought that goes by every day where I don’t feel some form of anxiety.
I began to be scared of physical feelings ie being dizzy, sore head, heart palpitations, tingling feelings etc.
But, there is always sunshine after a storm & this too shall pass.
This has been such an amazing journey (& also sad!) It has taught me soooooo much – I feel God has given me anxiety to teach me a lesson for my journey. I have learnt so much about myself, it’s crazy.
The amount of fears that I have conquered in the past 3 years have been life changing.
- I am back on public transport (I catch a train 1 hour to & from work every single day)
- I catch an elevator to the 50th floor of my building for work 5 days a week
- I caught Taxi’s for work (big thing bc I am not in control of the car)
- I’ve been on a plane. Yes, a plane! Who would’ve thought?!?!?!
- I no longer have claustrophobia (I do freak out leading up but in the moment, I am fine!) I just did Adele concert w/ 95,500 fans!
- I can go to shopping center’s & not stress out that I felt claustrophobic & the shopping center was too loud.
I have come across a few blogs over the past few weeks that have really intrigued me – these are blogs from women just like me that suffer anxiety & they share their thoughts & feelings on what they experience on a day to day basis.
These women have most certainly motivated me to voice what I am going through & to never be silent, bc we are all battling our own wars – So here I am sharing my story of who I am & how far I have come.
Writing all this has created a mix of emotions but embarrassed isn’t one of them – I am sick & tired of hiding & being embarrassed – this is me & this is who I am – I will no longer hide.
I am happy to have shared my journey.
I have had some amazing support along my journey & I am so thankful for the people that have helped me get to where I am today for without them, I wouldn’t of had the push I needed.
Some days I have bad days & some days I have amazing days – & that’s the beauty of it. I accept I am not in control & that anxiety just likes to come visit sometimes – how I get through the episodes of anxiety is what really matters. Its taken me a while to find what works for me & its been quite some trial & error – but I know what calms me & I am working w/ those coping mechanisms at the moment.
I am on the road to recovery & every day is a learning curve for me…
‘God gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers’