I Must Confess…

Ahh, this is going to be hard to write – it’s going to be hard to admit this on my website BUT hey! I created this website as a place to come to find happiness, find ways to calm the mind & share my journey through life.

So here I go…

I have anxiety!

Wow, that was harder to write than I thought!

It does not define me, it is just a part of me – It is ‘just visiting’ & will leave shortly.

I have had anxiety for approx 3 years, and it has been quite the journey to be honest. Its been very hard to deal w/ & some days I just want to give up bc I can’t take it anymore.

I was always ashamed to say I had anxiety & would hide behind a smile – I didn’t want anyone knowing & judging me for a ‘mental illness’ – Mental illness’ in my eyes were frowned upon, you must be mental if you have a mental illness, right? … That’s what I thought anyway.

I was bed ridden for a very long time, my mother would have to do my grocery shopping & I got anxious being out of my room in the kitchen let alone the backyard in the sun! (The thought of going to a shopping center would make me extremely anxious & I would avoid it at all costs) I never wanted to be around people, I would get really claustrophobic & freak out – I couldn’t go on public transport bc I wasn’t in control of the piece of machinery which lead me to being anxious & my brain always thought they went too fast. I stopped going in elevators bc of the physical tummy feeling it gives you etc. I had already developed health anxiety which than social anxiety creeped upon me too.

This anxiety formed from being admitted to hospital about 3 years ago due to feeling very lethargic, dizzy & lost a tonne of weight in one big hit. Being in hospital for 2 weeks were the worst two weeks of my life – little did I know that they would change my life forever.

The doctors couldn’t find what was wrong, but all I kept hearing was these words: brain hamerage, brain tumor, fluid on the brain, stroke, heart attack, heart failure, lung cancer, stomach cancer. I was poked w/ needles twice a day & I had a lumbar puncture to my back  (worst experience evvvvvvvvver – nothing has ever felt that painful in my whole entire life) hearing all these words, created a fear of the unknown, especially bc no one knew what was going on – every single test was coming back fine.

When I was discharged from hospital, that’s when my whole life changed, for better or worse, I will never know but I am trying to look at the positive out of it.

Every time I had a headache, I thought all those words the doctor was saying ie brain tumor, stroke etc. Or every time I had chest pain, I thought I was having a heart attack. It sounds silly but I have health anxiety – at first this was hard for me to accept, I didn’t know what was wrong w/ me , I didn’t know I was feeling this way, I didn’t know how to make it stop – I just constantly felt like I was dying.

This has been a very hard thing to overcome & I am by no means saying that I am cured but I am on the road to recovery. It’s hard to share these things w/ someone who would think ‘she’s crazy – what’s wrong w/ her’ But, this is the fear I have – & I have learnt to live w/ it. I always think I am dying, every day, every single day! Whether its from  headache, a sore tummy, chest pain, tingling in my fingers, sore eyes, sore toe – You name it & I will think I am dying.

I constantly WEBMD things & I always think I have cancer, all my symptoms show cancer – so I freak out thinking I have cancer.

It has been a hard journey bc there isn’t a thought that goes by every day where I don’t feel some form of anxiety.

I began to be scared of physical feelings ie being dizzy, sore head, heart palpitations, tingling feelings etc.

But, there is always sunshine after a storm & this too shall pass.

This has been such an amazing journey (& also sad!) It has taught me soooooo much – I feel God has given me anxiety to teach me a lesson for my journey. I have learnt so much about myself, it’s crazy.

The amount of fears that I have conquered in the past 3 years have been life changing.

  • I am back on public transport (I catch a train 1 hour to & from work every single day)
  • I catch an elevator to the 50th floor of my building for work 5 days a week
  • I caught Taxi’s for work (big thing bc I am not in control of the car)
  • I’ve been on a plane. Yes, a plane! Who would’ve thought?!?!?!
  • I no longer have claustrophobia (I do freak out leading up but in the moment, I am fine!) I just did Adele concert w/ 95,500 fans!
  • I can go to shopping center’s & not stress out that I felt claustrophobic & the shopping center was too loud.

I have come across a few blogs over the past few weeks that have really intrigued me – these are blogs from women just like me that suffer anxiety & they share their thoughts & feelings on what they experience on a day to day basis.

These women have most certainly motivated me to voice what I am going through & to never be silent, bc we are all battling our own wars  – So here I am sharing my story of who I am & how far I have come.

Writing all this has created a mix of emotions but embarrassed isn’t one of them – I am sick & tired of hiding & being embarrassed – this is me & this is who I am – I will no longer hide.

I am happy to have shared my journey.

I have had some amazing support along my journey & I am so thankful for the people that have helped me get to where I am today for without them, I wouldn’t of had the push I needed.

Some days I have bad days & some days I have amazing days – & that’s the beauty of it. I accept I am not in control & that anxiety just likes to come visit sometimes – how I get through the episodes of anxiety is what really matters. Its taken me a while to find what works for me & its been quite some trial & error – but I know what calms me & I am working w/ those coping mechanisms at the moment.

I am on the road to recovery & every day is a learning curve for me…

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‘God gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers’

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

39 thoughts on “I Must Confess…

  1. Great read – thanks for sharing! Happy to hear you were able to overcome so many challenges! You should feel very proud. I’m also relieved to see I’m not the only person who gets anxiety from elevators (never been on a plane either because of same anxiety). People always give me a strange look when I say I’d prefer to take the stairs! The anxiety is real, however. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Bless you, thank you for reading my blog ❤

      Yes, I have faced many challenges along my journey but the mind is as powerful as you let it be.

      You are not alone! We all have fears etc.

      Some people don't understand others, don't worry about what other people think. I used to use fitness as the excuse for elevator VS stairs.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. That was a challenge for you to say, I know. It’s so common for others to define you by your anxiety, especially in the medical community. How wise and strong of you to choose to know differently, and to live differently.
    Keep the faith in you! There may be times you’re the only one who will.

    Like

  3. Awwwwn… I have anxiety sometimes too, and well these days I just chill out, say a little prayer and let God do his thing..:-D
    But then, I must confess……, I have severe stage fright. The very first and last time I stood in front of the class to debate in secondary school, I cried like a baby and wouldn’t say a word. Any help will be quite appreciated because now, I’m in university, and we often have seminar presentation where a person is given a topic to lecture the class.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, praying has really helped me w/ finding my way. Just think you aren’t the only one w/ this feeling & alot of other people feel this way, just think ‘i’ve got this, I am going to smash it!’ Also think, you could possibly inspire someone else, if you get up there confident someone else that is hiding their stage fright is probably thinking ‘Wow, i wish I could be like that, I will work to this’ Just think you could inspire others 🙂

      Like

  4. Anxiety is a real bully. Congrats on making progress though! There are so many people who don’t understand how difficult it can be. Thanks for the great post. Also, thanks for the love on my blog. I would love to write a contribution piece for you if you would allow me to. Let me know, and if not, no worries. Great post, and great blog!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Its the biggest BULLY! And, it took over my life for quite some time to be honest! Thank you for your warm wishes. yeah, some people are like ‘just get over it’ WELL… If it was that simple, my life would be AMAZING! You are most welcome, I love your blog!Sure you can write a contribution piece for me – I would truly appreciate that (I am teary!) I will even do a thankyou post on my end. Please make sure that you tag me so I can see when you upload it.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Such an inspirational post! I can relate so much to this and i love to see other peoples experience with this to know im not alone out there! The things you have conquered and achieved are amazing! I am the same with public transport and shops now also 🙂 It took me awhile too to find out what worked for me also but i am so glad that you have pulled through 🙂 And have strong days now! I love the quote that “God gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers” 🙂 XO Thank you so much for sharing this!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yay, you read it 😘 Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story & also leave a sweet comment. I’m not saying ‘life is perfect’ I still get bad days but I get more good days than bad days. I also have learnt that the mind is powerful, and how changing your thought process can affect how your anxiety reacts to certain situations. I’m so happy we can relate to one another, and I’m not alone. Yes, that quote is a GREAT one, I always try to remember this whenever I am having a bad day. I also like to remind myself, to be grateful, there are many people in the world that are suffering & would love to have a life like mine, so it motivates me to think ‘my life isn’t so bad after all’ ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Thank you for sharing, I had no idea that people with anxiety went through such hardships. I am glad you have gotten so much better and wish you the best for continued strength and perseverance.. God bless.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Thanks for sharing with us. Anxiety is a big, bad, bugaboo. I have it sometimes too. I took xanax. Since I quit teaching, I have rarely had to take any, in the past 9 years.
    Good for you, for continuing to fight your fears!! You’ve come an amazingly long way!!
    Thanks for following me!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re welcome, I have to admit it wasn’t an easy thing to do – it’s difficult to share what your going through & put that on the internet for everyone to see yet I was also wanting to share my story bc I was tired of hiding. Thank you for taking the time to read my long blog, it’s very appreciated. Every day is a battle & every day I’m one step closer to the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel I most certainly come a long way, hi5 to me. I’m also happy to hear about your journey & how far you have come, well done w/ that.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you very much 🙏🏽 I think congratulating yourself is a must, you need to see how far you’ve come & praise yourself! You can’t rely on others to do the praising for you than you’ll always look for others approval. (that’s just something I’ve learnt anyway) 🙏🏽

        Liked by 1 person

  8. This sounds like such a tough experience, thanks for sharing! I remember when I first developed health anxiety, I kept ending up at the doctor about various things. Chest pain, headaches, back pain. And he basically said to me “I don’t have any concerns about your physical health, but I think we need to talk about your anxiety” and I just burst into tears because I knew he was right. I’m definitely not cured, but once I realised the problem was health anxiety, it was so much easier to move forward and learn to manage it. It always sucks when someone really doesn’t get it and tells you “just stop worrying about it!”, so the more people talking about it openly, the better 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It has been quite the journey – I have to admit. It’s had it’s up & it’s down but I’ve most certainly learnt a lot about myself along the way. I’m always thinking I’m dying, there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t feel this way. I am on this journey of reassuring myself saying ‘I am okay, it’s just health anxiety, it’s just stress, you are not dying!’ It has to be something that isn’t hidden & I hid it for such a long time, I’m learning that half the process is talking about it & being open. Thank you for taking the time to read my post, it means the world to me 😘 All the best along your journey, god bless.

      Like

    1. What a lovely comment, thank you 🙏🏽 Writing/typing has really helped w/ healing. My journey from 3 years ago today, is such a motivation for me / I cannot believe how far I’ve come. Thank you for that statement, that one will def stick w/ me forever 🙏🏽

      Like

  9. Thanks for sharing! My journey to identifying and healing my anxiety is helped by realizing that I am not alone. Sorry. That’s not written very well… but it’s early and I haven’t finished my first coffee yet.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Thank you for sharing your experience! I know it is hard to be that open/vulnerable and very proud of you! I have suffered from generalized anxiety disorder for about 12 years? (Yikes! I just realized this). It is definitely a roller coaster and I’m glad you’re hanging in there. Keep strong! ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I have to admit it was most certainly the hardest thing I’ve had to do – openly admit that I have anxiety.
      It’s hard to admit what your going through, you’re scared, you don’t want to be judged & you don’t want to sound like you are crazy.
      You are a fighter, 12 years is a very long time however this just proves how strong you are.
      Anxiety doesn’t own you, you own it!
      You tell it where to go!
      I most def know that roller coaster feeling.
      One day, it’s sunshine + rainbows & the next it’s like World War III.
      I most certainly know how you feel & there is def light at the end of the tunnel.
      (It took me a very long time to realise that; to realise that there is an end to this war that I am battling)
      God bless you 🙏🏽✝️

      Like

  11. Good job on sharing your anxiety. It can be hard to talk about what ails us, but it helps to know we are not alone. I suffer from anxiety, depression and fibromyalgia… but I do everything I can not to let it define my life. Great post!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello Leigha,
      What a beautiful comment – thank you so much for your support.
      It is a very hard topic to talk about & you don’t want to come across crazy – but you also want to share whats going on in your mind – it’s a great feeling knowing you are not alone.
      I am both sad but happy to hear about your conditions – happy bc I know that god gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers – You are a fighter!
      Your illness does not define you, your strength & courage does, just remember that 🙂
      I wish you nothing but peace on your journey – God bless you.
      Anita 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  12. I have social anxiety. It seems that this would be one of the easier forms of anxiety to treat, but it turns out that it’s not. People are just everywhere! I actually had a sort of opposite experience a few months ago with a health scare. I had an event that I wasn’t sure if it was a seizure or some other neurological event. I was laying beside my son when it happened and actually was trying to save him because I thought there was an earthquake happening. Then I thought I was going to pass out, but wouldn’t let myself because I was afraid I would die and leave my family without me. I went through a lot of test and turned out that I’m fine, but thinking that I was probably going to die for a few months sort of freed me. It made me put things in perspective. I stopped stressing about and doing things that just didn’t matter anymore. I hope that you find some peace with your anxiety. It isn’t easy and we have to work a little harder. I hope you come back to my blog and take some of what I’ve learned. I’ll come back to yours and take some of what you have to offer too.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I can totally relate, it’s as though people are not just everywhere but it all feels ‘in your face’, everything also seems 100 x louder & you feel like you can’t breathe. I can totally relate to you! Your experience sounds very scary yet it is also a blessing in disguise bc its helps you come to realization about things & not stressing over little things anymore. Thank you so much for your warm blessings – it means lots to me. It has been a rocky journey, but there is light at the end of the tunnel & w/ baby steps I am reaching it. I’ll def come to your blog a lot more often to see how your journey is going too. God bless you 🙂

      Like

  13. Anxiety is definitely not fun! I know exactly how you feel! The slightest pain makes me feel like I’m dying and sends me into an anxiety attack! But, I’ll tell you something my grandmother told me. She said that you can make yourself sick with worry! Stress/anxiety can give you physical symptoms, if it’s bad enough. My doctor has actually confirmed this. Chest pain may feel like a heart attack when all it is is stress. When your mind is stressed, your body can get that way, too.

    But I am SUPER glad to hear you’re recovering! I am always ecstatic when people tell me they were able to recover from anything. Especially anxiety, because I know how it is. I know exactly how it can make you feel. I’ve been to the emergency room a few times thinking I was having a heart attack or a brain hemorrhage. All it was, was anxiety! NEVER be ashamed of having a mental illness. So many others feel the same way we do.

    Love your posts! And again, I’m glad to hear you’re recovering! Best wishes and God bless!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello Courtney,

      Pardon the delay – I’ve only just seen this!
      Thank you so much for such a heartfelt comment.

      I can most certainly relate w/ the hospital visits, I constantly think I am dying, it’s very unfortunate, but am learning how to deal w/ it all.

      Thank you again from the bottom of my heart – I pray that your recovery is smooth sailing also.

      God bless you.

      Anita 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

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